Until today I had not picked up a Tarot Deck since the unexpected death of my husband of 25 years. As I shuffled and reached out to the Universe, my breath caught as I turned up the King of Cups, and there He was. My King of Cups who loved with all his heart, unconditionally, was generous of his time, his spirit, his wit and humor, his deep wisdom, and his humility. He always made sure the people he loved, knew how he felt about them and always made himself available in whatever role was needed. He loved me, I have no doubt. He told me every day in words, but also in his actions.


The cards drawn tell the story of my King of Cups and myself in the aftermath of his passing. I must draw on my inner strength to help me get through this most difficult time. My reserves are tapped and easily drained. Recharging seems almost impossible to achieve when sleep is elusive. A break from my new reality would be welcome, but the way there has it’s own hazards. Nothing to do but push on the best I can and still be productive in some way. My new reality sucks and there is no escaping it.

Remembering is easy, but bittersweet and coated in sadness. Looking to the future, my future, is still unimaginable and yet the days keep dawning and passing, one by one, time marches on. I’m still in the Four of Swords and the Six of Cups. I imagine I will be with those energies for the foreseeable future.

The Nine and Queen of Pentacles show a promising future, where the prospect of being at peace, feeling safe, and adjusted to a new phase appear promising. Something to look forward to, but not convinced it’s in my future.

`What is grief? but the Tower that once stood tall and whole,
That now implodes beginning to crumble and fall 
The very foundation split asunder, no longer able to
Support what has been built with love and care.

What is grief? but the shattered dreams dreamt  
Once upon a time that in taking shape from  
Thought to form, Poof and Undone before 
Completely formed and dashed upon the shores 
Where tears shatter like crystal tossed.

What is grief?  but the void at the center of your soul
Now emptied of the comfort lost by the life stolen,
Now gone from sight and touch, but not forgotten,
Never far from thought or longing.

What is grief? but the heart-stricken aloneness 
Only you can feel, your world upended and tossed in 
The winds of uncertainty and dismay, the loss of
The hand once warm and strong, shared laughter and 
Tears and endearments now gone.  

What is grief but the inability to have a chat,
To call you, or text you, laugh with you, sharing
A private joke that only we understand, listening to 
Your plans for the now and for the future and 
Sharing our day-to-day news and stories. 

These are all what make up the deep waters and drowning undertow, that is grief. 

~2023 Koneta